This morning in the early hours I woke with a heaviness. I asked myself am I depressed, am I lonely, am I lost. I accepted my state and I lay there, reflecting. The rain had stopped. The air through my window smelled freshly washed and clean after the rain. I thought about all the reasons I would be feeling the way I was. Why wasn’t I joyful, happy, ready to go? I thought of all the things I wanted to do, they made me tired. I thought of all the things I should do that was frustrating. So many desires. Like a wagon full of old bottles you have to pull to the store to get redeemed. Ok, I thought, I will get to them, sometime…but must I now?…I lay there thinking a little longer and I realized that I was feeling the weight of the world. Simply and literally the weight of the world. Yes, I am thinking as I write this, it is the weight of the world.
I recall what Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, yet, take heart! I have overcome the world.” JN 16.33 The weight of the world. You name it. An annoying boss…financial obligations…car problems…pain in the body…feet, legs, back, dry eyes, weak heart…decisions big and small, and the constant pressure of all the things I think I need and want. And the oppressing fears…the emptiness without doing, the heaviness of the struggle for a clear sense of success, fear of the end. The weight of the world. Tribulation.
So I began to pray the Lord’s prayer in the feeling of deep gratitude. I prayed in the feeling of innocence remembering that I am praying with Christ and in Christ. I felt peace. Not the peace of everything is alright, under control, paid and sewn up tight. When does that ever happen anyway? As I prayed slowly I felt the healing peace of knowing that in Christ I am in the presence of the Father and everything is being given to me from heaven, my life, the day, my challenges, the beauty, opportunities for evolving, everything coming to me in grace. In Christ I am innocent and the world means nothing personal in its heaviness. The world is for my growing more aware of God, it is not against me. I remember the only real relief from the heaviness of the world is knowing Christ, the Kingdom of Heaven, my true home with God.
As I pray I enter the Kingdom, if only for a moment, I am renewed, made new again, made fresh, innocent, united with a loving Father. Forgiven, for my confusion, my resentment that the world is somehow bullying me, my attachments to things, my forgetfulness of heaven. Forgiven for my unkindness, my impatience, my criticalness. Here in this moment of Heaven I am cleansed in the sunlit rain of compassionate love that is always falling earthward from God. I feel a radiant joy. If only for these moments. In gratitude for my life with God I feel the quiet radiant joy of overcoming. The peace is with me. In Christ I have overcome the world. I am so grateful, I chant within, I am so grateful for it all. I am grateful for Christ, thank you, thank you, thank you…I am depressed, lost, and lonely without you. You are with me, You are with me, You are with me…I am with you.
I hear my wife padding down the hall, coming in the door to my room, snuggling in…she did not sleep well…hot flashes…I hold her…even through her affection I can feel the weight of the world in her…I am whispering in my mind, I am thanking God, I am praising God for All He has given me in Christ, I am in the world with her and I am in heaven beside her.
I hope she can feel my grateful colored joy in this warm embrace.